I’m scared.

Of what?  Well…the more I thought about it, the more I discovered how complicated and layered the answer was.

  1.  What if the surgery doesn’t work?
  2. What if he doesn’t fix all the issues and a new one starts?
  3. How much pain am I going to experience?
  4. How am I going to function using only my left arm when I’m right-handed?
  5. How long until I can exercise a little?
  6. If I exercise will I compromise my healing progress?
  7. How am I going to manage my weight without being able to move much? (yes that sounds selfish, but it’s true)
  8. How am I going to relinquish control?
  9. Will I be able to teach again?
  10. Will I feel like myself, or better than I remember?
  11. Who will take car of  my family if I’m unable to?

I think ever since I had 3 children at the same time, I became somewhat of a control freak….Good or bad, it keeps me organized and sane in a life that can get chaotic.  As I sit here waiting to head to the hospital for my procedure, I feel so VERY out of control!  It’s so unsettling.  The unknowns are overwhelming my comfort zone of needing to know all the facts and plan for them.  I’m placing my health in the hands of a man I met for 20-30 minutes.  The uncertainty of my recovery is swirling in my head.

But what seems to calm me is the support I have gotten from friends and family and even acquaintances I have come across as an instructor and parent in this community.  I’m thankful to have you all behind me and for understanding my need to take care of me, in order to take care of everyone else better.

Thank you for being thoughtful and considerate of my decision to do this and I will be in touch as soon as I can type an update 🙂